M47
Feeling guilty
December 22 2025
Comments
Andrea_Sydney
5 months ago
Hey there, it’s amazing you kept the situation like that for that long. Have you ever spoken to your wife about it? Do you think there would be a way to having sex again?
Regarding you missing affection and sex, that is very understandable. Sometimes people choose to have an affair to get some of these needs met and to enable them to stay with the family. In my opinion it is much preferred to have a secret affair than to leave the family.
But not everyone feels that way, so it might be best to explain in your profile that you are looking for that and wife doesn’t know and are therefore looking for discrete people. Along the lines of “understand if that’s not your thing, so better to be honest from the get go”. Some women will reject you because of that. Others might be in a similar situation or aren’t judgmental about it.
For yourself, I can recommend to look up Dan Savage. He has some nice stuff about whether or not secret affairs are a good or a bad thing. And sometimes they can mean someone can stay with their family if there just isn’t a chance of reconnecting sexually with your wife. So it’s a very personal thing. In your situation I would not judge you but rather congratulate you on the loyalty you have shown your wife and children. Your needs are real too and I wish you all the best.
RHP User
5 months ago
It’s likely you’re seeking emotional affirmation more than sexual release. Hence why paid services have little appeal.
It’s a case of making the call through having a direct conversation and laying out your feelings. Chances are she feels the same or at least is aware of not being satisfied too.
Better have a the hard convo than live a lie then die. You get one life mate, be happy and those around you will benefit.
Screamqueen
5 months ago
Who's she having sex with then?
Blue_eyes_n_you
5 months ago
Have a read of Esther Perel’s ‘Mating in captivity’ there’s examples of what you talk about, in the book.
MsSuperFoxy
5 months ago
Your situation sounds incredibly hard, and it’s completely understandable to miss affection after so many years without it. That doesn’t make you selfish or wrong.
I do struggle a little with the word integrity being tossed around in the context of secret affairs though. Wanting connection is human. Secrecy is just a complicated coping strategy, not a moral badge.
I also think it’s worth acknowledging the part people don’t always talk about, the guilt that comes with "a secret of deceit". Going home, looking your wife and children in the eyes, and carrying that weight, then trying to compensate for it emotionally, you'd better be one hell of a good actor!
Whatever path you choose, I hope it brings you honesty, kindness, and less guilt for everyone involved.
Ms FoxyMsSuperFoxy
5 months ago
I also would like to add.
I also think there’s a difference between how something feels in our head versus how it plays out in reality. In theory, a secret connection can sound like a solution.
In reality, many people struggle to actually follow through because of the guilt.
That doesn’t make anyone weak or dishonest, it just shows how complex these situations are.
Wanting affection is human. But secrecy often costs more internally than people expect, which is why so many ideas stay in the “what if” stage rather than becoming reality.
Ms FoxyRHP User
5 months ago
You do what you must sex is vitally important for both your mentel stability as well as your physically body cheating no its not
funky69er
5 months ago
Hey Shyguy, my best mate is in a similar scenario to you. No intimacy for the past 15 years, lucky to get a peck on the cheek.
His problem is, he is highly sexual, I think the bloke pulls his pood so much, he is just so used to that lack of intimacy.
5 years ago, he had an affair, a woman in his office started taking notice of him, and he found it exciting, he was having dangerous sex and he was loving it. His boss found out and he was let go from the business, his wife was none the wiser, but both parties lost very good jobs that they both loved.
But lately, he has noticed that his resentments have risen, everything is becoming a problem. They fight all the time, everything he does is wrong.
He like you, just didn't know what's the right way to go about it all.
If you can be open and honest with your wife about finding that pleasure elsewhere do that and have that honest conversation.
Otherwise, if she didn't want that connection anymore but also doesn't want to you too have it with someone else, step away, find yourself and find that woman who is going to love every bit of you that you need.
You need to be happy in life mate, that is paramount
auscut6
5 months ago
Been in a very similar situation myself mate don’t cheat on her. I did and I will never get over how much it hurt my wife and kids.
Natalie71
5 months ago
Sounds very much like my issues at the moment.
Lvtkss
5 months ago
Hi Forum, after reading this I'm glad I'm not alone in the affection starved relationship.
Jimmysee
5 months ago
You must separate! I was in a no sex marriage for the kids and couldnt take it any longer, came to my senses and seperated, best thing ive ever done. I might be different to you though, good luck
mobydick4000
5 months ago
@Shiguy I have had conversations on dates with many women where there is a breakdown in the relationship and there is no intimacy, or lack of. All for varying reasons- kids taking priority, work commitments, an unfaithful partner and the conversation never resolved, fall out of love and become more housemates, the list is numerous and the situations case by case.
1. Have the conversation about why there isn't any love. A tough but necessary one that needs to be open and honest. Use the rule of ears and mouths- 2 ears and 1 mouth, use them in the same ratio, listen twice as much as you talk. 'Understand' her feelings. Also discuss why you have stayed together. It might be a cultural reason, you mention your partner doesn't have family here, if they are overseas? Have you considered a marriage counsellor to act as a facilitator of conversation?
2. Discuss and list the options on paper. Discuss the pro's and cons of each. Identify the top 5 options that you both agree upon. If you can't agree or one of you doesn't want to participate, then you might have to seek what is right for you.
That is a brief strategy without knowing all of the details, especially that needs to come out as part of the open and honest communication between you.
BU22AA
5 months ago
I think you need to discuss the terms of your separation, it sounds like she has no love for you and it’s not going to change. You need to be happy but so does she, it sounds like she’s just happy to have a comfortable life provided for her.
James3088
5 months ago
I’d be looking elsewhere mate. Tell her to spread her legs or you’ll go elsewhere
Cp8379
5 months ago
Wow, you stayed that long. Need to talk to her, tell her couples need physical contact. Ask her if she seeking anyone else, that could be it aswell
SCR34M
5 months ago
You need to smash some pussy mate. Tell her you need sex as a man and if she doesn't want to, let her know you will need to find it elsewhere.
Sescalinata
5 months ago
Some of the comments are really outing the guys to steer clear of. Two sides to every story. Some men are happy to have the wife running around looking after the house and children yet still want a sex goddess at the end of the night. Do you still do date nights? A bit of effort getting some romance back could make a difference. Appreciation and effort needs to be sustained, by both partners.
MsSuperFoxy
5 months ago
Some comments in this forum are very very disturbing!
Telling a wife to “spread her legs or else” isn’t advice, it’s coercion.
Sex should never be demanded, threatened, or used as leverage in a relationship.
That mindset is exactly how trust and safety get destroyed.
If intimacy is an issue, the answer is communication, consent, and respect, not ultimatums.
Ms FoxyMsSuperFoxy
5 months ago
The same goes for comments encouraging the OP to cheat, deceive his wife, or reduce her to a sexual object. That kind of “advice” is equally disturbing and completely inappropriate.
If the OPs wife were to read this thread, imagine how humiliating, hurtful, and unsafe it would make feel, especially when we haven't heard her side. IE: could be meducal/Menopause etc. Who knows.
No one deserves to be spoken about that way.
Ms FoxyRHP User
5 months ago
Your kids already grown? I think better if you just leave. You got nothing to worry about the kids grown n will have their own life. Be free then you can do n be with whoever you want n as many as you want. Unless you still want that "safety net" for having a wife while banging another woman. Or is it that you might be worry about assets n paperwork that follows after the divorce? You know sometime we can't grab a cake n eat it too. From what you have described you already seperated 17 years ago. Gotta make the choice for yourself. Or you can truthfully asking your missus if its OK with her for you to get sex with other women. If she said yes then you can eat your cake too. If she said no..then..
Railrod
5 months ago
What about surprising her with a weekend away, get her feeling good about herself and enjoy each other time together. Get her massage, a facial, organise it all so she doesn’t have to do it. She might be burnt out and need a reset.
GlitzyGiraffe
5 months ago
BTDT, it is a fail.
YOLO. Get help from a professional. Start with your employer's EAP service if they have ine, or talk to your GP. Don't stay in a failed and loveless marriage for the sake of the kids. The kids are just learning about failed loveless marriage, is that what you want for your kids? 🤷♂️
Plenty of knowledge and support to bring up kids as estranged parents. Find it.
ProfessorBi
5 months ago
Mate, so sorry that you are feeling this way, but you shouldnt definitely feel guilty for wanting some affection. Posting such private thing here was the first step in healing, continue opening up to friends or like minded people that you also find in this site. Good luck!
PolyT73
5 months ago
@shiguy79 This is a tough situation and I feel for you. You say you don't need a counsellor (and this isn't the place to find that) but that is exactly what you need. You clearly aren't happy, cannot be yourself and you are living your life out of expectation and duty. Counselling won't magically resolve the situation but it will help you to clarify what you need, how to communicate that in a safe way and how to set boundaries around your needs and her response to them. And if you can do all of that it may still end in divorce but at least you will have a chance at being happy. You can't go on like this so please do find someone that can really help.
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